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Parenting Tips

Be prepared to follow through. It is normal for children to “push your buttons.” Do not back down once you have set a rule or expectation for them. Always be consistent ~ say what you mean and do what you say.

• Consistency means that you do the same thing time after time and that you follow through with what you say. Never state a consequence that you are not going to follow through with.
• All children test rules. They will do what you tell them not to do just to see what will happen. This is how they learn.
• Children learn more from what we do than from what we say.
• When you set a rule and do not follow through with the consequence, they learn that what you said is not really important. For example, if the rule is “No hitting or you go to time out,” you must send them to time out every time they hit. If you don’t, they learn it is okay to hit sometimes.
• Children learn to follow our rules when we do what we say we are going to do. It is okay to give one, sometimes two, warnings, but then you must take action.
• Don’t take your child’s misbehavior personally. They are not trying to upset you or hurt your feelings. It is a normal part of their learning process.
  

Clear messages are important. Giving specific messages help children learn. Here’s how:

• Keep it simple. Use as few words as possible and do not give a lot of directions at one time.
• Tell them exactly what you want them to do and how to do it. Saying “I wish” or “you should” tells them they don’t have to do it.
• Focus on the behavior not the child. Messages that blame or criticize do not work. For example, messages like “You are so selfish, you never pick up your toys” do not work with children.
• Stay calm and use your normal tone of voice. When you yell or react out of anger children see you have lost control and they feel they have won. That is when they are more likely to test your rules. The best way to teach them is to state your message firmly in your regular voice.
• State the consequences for misbehavior. If you think they are going to test what you are telling them, tell them up front what will happen if they do not cooperate.

Find consequences that you are ready to act on. If you state a consequence and do not act, children learn that it is okay to misbehave. Children are not “little adults” like we sometimes think. Their brains are different so they do not understand a lot of words, long explanations or lectures. Consequences help teach children how to behave well. When giving consequences make sure they are:

• Immediate: They should follow as soon after the unacceptable behavior as possible.
• Logical: They should relate to the misbehavior. For example, if you have set a rule that your child cannot play with a toy in the house and they do, a logical consequence would be to take away the toy for the rest of the day.
• Fair: The consequence should be enough to teach them the lesson but not too harsh, too much, or too long. For example, less serious misbehaviors would have smaller consequences.
• Well thought out: Take time to be calm and think about the situation before you react. If you are angry, you are more likely to say consequences that you will not follow-through with.
• Followed by forgiveness: When a consequence is over, it should be over. No lectures, nagging, or anger.
  

Help your children to behave well by praising them every day. Children want to do good to make you happy. When we “catch them being good” and tell them, it increases good behavior. Look for things that make you happy. We are more likely to notice and react to things that are unpleasant and frustrating than we are with things that make us happy. Practice looking for good things and rewarding them in one of the following ways:

• Verbal rewards: Tell your children exactly what they did that you liked and praise them. For example “Thank you for picking up your toys,” “I like it when you play nice with your brother.” Verbal rewards are especially important for young children.
• Physical rewards: Physical ways of letting your children know that you like their behavior such as a pat on the back, an arm on your child’s shoulder, or a hug.
• Activity rewards: Doing something with your children that they like to do like playing a game, reading a story, or going for a walk.
• Material rewards: Things you might give a child such as a special treat or toy. These types of rewards are sometimes useful when you start teaching a new behavior.

Just remember – encouraging children leads to good behavior. Incentive charts are a great way to teach children new behaviors, especially with behaviors that take a lot of practice like putting away their toys.

• Post the chart somewhere where you and your child can review it. Focus on one positive behavior and every time your child does that behavior, put a sticker or draw a star on the chart. This gives your children a way to see their progress. Once your children reach a certain number of stickers or stars (for example, five), they get a special reward or incentive. Some ideas for incentives are renting a special movie, playing a favorite game together, having a friend over for dinner, reading a story together, a “no chore” certificate, a special outing together, like going to the library.
• Use the chart for two to four weeks. After this, move onto natural rewards, like
  praise.
  

Let your child help to solve problems and remember to give them choices. Keep Children Involved–Sometimes children misbehave when they do not know how to solve a problem. Help them come up with solutions. For example, if your child hits a sibling for taking his toy, say, “What else can you do when your brother takes your toy without asking?” Letting children make decisions helps them learn to behave well. Here’s how:

• Give only two or three choices and make sure that all of the choices are acceptable to you. For example: “Do you want to read a story or sing a song before bed? You decide.”
• Giving choices can be very helpful when children are testing you. For example, “You can stop running the train through the garden or I can take it away for the rest of the day. What would you like to do?”
• When you want your children to do something they do not want to do, give choices that require their help. For example, “We have to leave in five minutes. Do you want to carry the ball to the car or carry my keys and help me unlock the car?”
• If your child makes up a choice that is not acceptable to you, say something like “Those are your only two choices. What would you like to do?”

Notice if your feelings of anger are building up; if they don’t go away, get help. Managing Anger ~ All parents get angry, especially when children test them.

• When you show anger by yelling and screaming, children will often keep doing the
  frustrating behavior.
• Effective problem solving is hard for anyone when there is anger.
• Taking a “cool off” period is very helpful. Say something like, “I’m feeling angry and I need some time to cool down” or “I think we both need a little time to cool down. Wait for me in your room and we’ll talk in about ten minutes.”
• The cool-off period works best when parents and children are in separate rooms.
• Other ways to handle anger without hurting yourself or anyone else are to exercise, do something productive like clean house, turn on some music, watch TV read a book, write your feelings down on paper, talk about your feelings with a friend, or call a helpline.
  

Practice what you preach. Don’t back down on your rules just because you are in public. Quality Listening–Young children can sometimes have a hard time behaving well out in public, like at a store or restaurant.

• Find ways to let them help you. For example, when at the grocery store, let them put the apples on the scale or the items in the basket.
• Play a game with them such as “see if you can find something red” or “let’s count the number of green things that we see.”
• Find ways to distract them if they want to do something that is unacceptable to you.
• Teach them to behave out in public by giving praise when they are good.
• Don’t be afraid to use consequences when out in public if your child misbehaves.
• Time out can work well when you are in public. Find a place, like outside, that can be used. For more on using time out, see the time out tips below.

Respond in ways that let your children know you understand, such as nodding your head or saying okay. Quality Listening–Teaching good listening is important. Here’s how:

• Model good listening. When they are talking to you, stop what you are doing and listen to them. Mute the TV, look at them, and repeat what they say to let them know that you heard them and understand.
• Praise good listening. When children follow your directions, recognize that they are listening. For example, “Thank you for picking up your clothes. Good listening.”
• Get their attention. Use cues such as touching them on the shoulder, saying their name, or asking for eye contact when they are distracted.
• Make eye contact. Sit or squat so that you are at their eye level.
• Check for understanding. Have your children repeat what you say in their own words.
• Calm them down. Children who are upset and crying are not good listeners because
  their attention is on what is upsetting them. Help your child calm down first,
  then talk.
  

Timers are a great tool to use with children. Stop Problems Before They Start–Children often have a hard time going from one
activity to another or doing things they don’t want to do. Plan ahead to avoid tantrums or problems. Here’s how:

• Warn them ahead of time. Say something like “We have to leave the playground in five minutes. What is the last thing you want to do?” or carry a small timer with you. Let your child help set it to five minutes and put it in his pocket so he can be ready when it is time to go.
• Make tasks fun. For example, set a timer for ten minutes and say something like “I bet you can’t pick up all your toys before the timer goes off.”
• Create routines for events that happen over and over, such as waking up. Then you can ask your child things like “What is the next thing we do after we get dressed?”
• Use your sense of humor. “Here comes the tickle monster to get children who don’t pick up their toys.”
• Cut off arguments. When you argue with them they think they might get what they want. Say something like, “We’re done talking about it. You can do what I asked or spend the next five minutes in your room getting ready to do it. What would you like to do?”
  

View time out as an opportunity to teach your child to behave well. Using Time Out–Time out should be used to handle more extreme misbehavers such as hurtful behavior, violent behavior or tantrums.

• Select a place for timeout that has few distractions and the least amount of traffic.
• Time out should be one minute for every year of your child’s life.
• Use a timer. If your child leaves before the timer goes off, return them back and start the time over.
• One of the goals of time out is to help children get self-control. If they are throwing a tantrum when the timer goes off, say something like “The timer went off. You can come out when you calm down but not before then.”
• If they continue to come out of time out, return them and sit outside the door to make sure they don’t come out.
• If your child refuses to go to time out, give them a choice. “You can go to time out on your own or I can take you for twice the time. Give 20-30 seconds for them to think about it. If they don’t move, guide them to timeout for twice the time.
• If they yell or scream during time out, do not reward the drama by giving into it or by giving threats or lectures. The drama will pass. Wait it out.
  

Give your children hugs and kisses every day. In addition to talking, what we do
and how we act are important ways that we communicate. Ways to Talk to Your Children–Ask questions that lead to conversation such as those beginning with “what, where, who, or how.”

• Try not to ask questions that only need a yes or no answer.
• At the end of the day, ask them to share their “saddest time” during the day and their “happiest time” during the day. Then you share with them.
• Talk about your ideas and feelings.
• Don’t be critical of your child’s ideas or feelings.
• Admit when you don’t know something.
• Help children find the answers to things you don’t know.
• Try to answer their questions completely.
• Your tone of voice is important. For example, an energetic, excited voice will communicate pleasure and is important when you are praising your child.
  
  
  These Parenting Tips were taken from The Texas Department of Family and Protection
  Services 2008 Calendar, “Family Building Blocks: Positive Parenting from A-Z.”